Longing.

-Strong persistent desire or craving, especially for something unattainable or distant.

Some of the longings we have in life are filled with fear. Others are filled with exuberant expectation-an awaited joy. Most are filled with a little bit of every emotion stirred together and heaped on a plate. Today I feel caught in the transition of "longing."

Isn't it interesting how longing multiplies the wait and the distance from what's coming? It's almost as if everything slows down a bit as you wait for what's coming. You're acutely aware of the fact that you aren't in control of the situation but you've already gone through the process of feeling unprepared, prepared, over prepared and then settle back into clueless.

Angie and I feel that way about our upcoming birth. It seems like we went through a season of feeling unprepared and then slowly we gained confidence that we knew what we were doing and when that season was starting... Then we ran out of things to do in preparation so we started focusing in on little things that don't really matter before settling back at clueless with when our boy will be born.

Isn't it interesting how we are so drawn to having control in our lives? Sometimes we try to control everything. Other times we hope to just control anything. Eventually (with western Christianity) we decide to "let go and let God" because "God is in control. It's kind of the equivalent of throwing our hands up in the air and assuming He's the one in control anyway, so we mine as well let Him. We're faced with the truth of how ridiculous we've been in trying to control things. However, we rarely take the time to really face the truth that He's not in control. Some of you just grimaced a bit.

In the west, the church is conditioned often to believe that God is in control. Many within and out of the church have stumbled because of this "truth." Seriously, how many of you have or know someone who has been bitterly angry at God because of the assumption He was in control when something terrible happened that shouldn't have. The sentence often starts with "Well, if God was good, then why did..."   

For some of my readers I feel like I need to stop and clarify a few of my beliefs.     

Do I believe that God created Heaven and Hell, Good and Bad, Life and Death? Yes. I believe He created  everything and that being creative is in His nature (which is ironic that we're always looking for a creative God to do things the way He's done them in the past in a one-size fits all formula...)

Do I believe that God is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow? Yup

Do I believe that God has the power to be in control of everything? Absolutely

Then why do I believe that He isn't in control? Well, because He gave us perhaps the most absurd gift I could think of...Free Will. He created us in His image and then offered us choice. He chose out of love to not be in control. Instead, He desired an intimate relationship where mankind was given authority and say in what good and bad, life and death look like. I even believe that the reason why the new heavens and new earth aren't created yet is because as a lover, He is longing to have our creative (in His image) input. I guess the best way to finish this little rant is to say that my relationship with Angie is healthy because I've chosen to love her and allowed her to choose to love me. If our relationship was based on me controlling the situation and her love being directly tied to how well she obeys my instructions, I'd have an awful marriage!

Anyway, I'd like to hear your thoughts on the matter...It has been good for me to just sit and ramble as I wait to hold my boy. I'm still not in control of when he comes but I look forward to the day when he does. Stay tuned and I'll send you an update when I get to hold him :)

-b